Lessons From Failing Our Ideal Selves

We all have dreams, aspirations, and Bucket Lists filled with things we hope to accomplish in our lifetime. Yet, many of us often find ourselves stuck in the routine of daily life, putting off those dreams for "someday." But what if someday never comes? The haunting regret of not becoming who we want to be is more common than we realize. A recent study from Cornell University, titled “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: The Haunting Regret of Failing Our Ideal Selves,” reveals that it's not just the missed opportunities or poor decisions that haunt us most, but the failure to live up to our ideal selves.

The Ideal vs. the Ought Self

According to the study, regrets fall into two categories: regrets of failing our "ought" selves and regrets of failing our "ideal" selves. Our "ought" self represents who we feel we should be, based on external expectations, while our "ideal" self is the person we aspire to be based on our own desires and passions. The study highlights that people experience more profound and long-lasting regret over failing their ideal selves than they do for failing their ought selves.

In fact, the research notes that “the biggest regrets in life tend to come from not fulfilling our dreams, passions, and aspirations—the things that matter most to us on a deeply personal level.”

This is a powerful revelation. It underscores the importance of living in alignment with your true desires, not merely fulfilling societal expectations. When we reflect on our lives, it’s the moments where we chose not to pursue our dreams—whether that was the decision to forgo traveling, start a new career, or nurture a talent—that tend to weigh most heavily.

Why We Don’t Chase Our Bucket Lists

So, if our biggest regrets come from not living our ideal lives, why do so many of us hesitate to chase our Bucket Lists? The study suggests that it comes down to fear of failure, doubt, and sometimes, a lack of clarity about what we really want. We get trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, unsure whether we can achieve the things we dream about. As a result, we stick to the safe path and live as our “ought” selves, avoiding the potential discomfort that comes with pursuing bold aspirations.

But consider this: “The pain of failing to live up to our potential or pursue our dreams is much deeper than the discomfort of facing possible failure.” This insight from the research should compel us to act.

A Life of Fulfillment

If failing to live our ideal selves leads to such profound regret, then the solution seems clear: we need to prioritize our Bucket List, our passions, and the things that make us feel most alive. Life is unpredictable and short, and waiting for the perfect time to start is a dangerous gamble.

Whether it's learning a new language, traveling the world, or writing a book, the time to start is now. The Cornell study warns that “the more time passes, the more painful the regret for not pursuing our aspirations becomes.”

So, what’s on your Bucket List? What dream have you been putting off, thinking you'll get to it later? Now is the time to take the first step, no matter how small. You don’t need to quit your job tomorrow or take a drastic leap, but you do need to start carving out space in your life for your ideal self.

Don’t Wait—Live Boldly

Ultimately, the message of the Cornell study is simple but profound: Regret often stems not from what we did, but from what we didn’t do. You don’t want to look back in 20 years and wonder what could have been, should have been, or would have been if only you had dared to live your dreams.

As the study suggests, “We regret the road not taken more than the missteps we made.”

Start checking off your Bucket List today. Live boldly, pursue your ideal self, and embrace the discomfort that comes with growth. The alternative is a future filled with "woulda, coulda, shoulda"—and that's a regret none of us want to carry. By embracing this perspective, we can all push past our fears and step into a more fulfilling life. Because at the end of the day, the greatest risk is not trying at all.

https://as.cornell.edu/news/woulda-coulda-shoulda-haunting-regret-failing-our-ideal-selves

How will facing this challenge impact your life?

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